Tender Mercies

A very tired little girl :(

 

This last week was a difficult one. Elise caught a stomach virus which lasted for a couple days. Unfortunately for her, little stomach bugs turn into big problems. We weren't able to get her to eat or drink anything, including her anti-seizure medications.

 

Elise became very sick very quickly. She started on Wednesday night at dinner, not wanting to eat and starting to look a little green. She vomited not long after that. I left her with Heidi while I went to work on Thursday, stocked with Gatorade, Sprite and ice cream. Basically anything that would tempt her to take a drink of something. By the time I got home for lunch, she had had five seizures (two of them were the night before), one of which was terrifying for the kids to watch. Heidi had immediately called Eric, who came home right away.

 

I only had two more patients for the day, so we decided to take her to the hospital when I was done with work and try to get some fluids into her. We took her to the ER at Providence Hospital in Everett. We were there for about five hours, where she had two more violent seizures. One was exactly like the one that Heidi described from earlier that day. Her eyes suddenly shot open, her pupils were huge and black, and she started screaming hysterically while her entire body stiffened. It was the most terrifying thing that I have ever witnessed. I will never forget the look of sheer terror on her little face.

 

We had been sitting in the hospital room already for a long time, with hardly anyone coming in to check on us. Her first seizure had started directly after the doctor left the room. I ran out of the room to notify the nurses in the hall, but by the time they came in she was already self-stabilizing. When she had the second seizure, however, we were certainly not ignored. Three nurses and her doctor came running into the room as soon as they heard her screams. I was trying to console her, but didn't know what to do. I was crying, trying to talk to her and touch her face, hoping that somewhere inside of her she could hear my voice. The team immediately threw an oxygen mask on her face and a dose of Atavan (a strong form of Valium) was ordered for her.

 

After three needle sticks, the nurses were able to get an IV into Elise's arm. The Atavan was pumped in and she almost immediately quieted down.

 

The ER doctor who was helping Elise out decided that she was beyond the scope of their care. She needed a pediatric neurologist, who could get her seizures stabilized. They decided that we needed to transfer her down to Children's Hospital in Seattle.

 

Elise and I rode in the noisy, bumpy ambulance down to Children's at around midnight. She had another minor seizure in the ambulance, but it was very small. The EMT who rode in the back with us gave her a cute little teddy bear, with a few injuries of his own. He had a bandaid on his head, a cast on his leg, and carried a crutch.

 

We arrived at Children's and went through all the test results and interviews with multiple doctors. Elise had another seizure while everyone else was out of the room, but it was pretty mild. I mentioned it to them when they returned and they were stunned that I hadn't notified them. I hadn't gotten much help before so it didn't occur to me to call for anyone again, especially for a small one. But they were flabbergasted. It was pretty funny actually.

 

Elise was put onto a loading dose of Keppra, one of her main anti-seizure medications. After that we were finally admitted. We didn't get to our room until 4:00 am. By then I was so tired I thought that I would fall asleep on my feet. After getting her situated in the room I was finally able to get a few hours sleep until morning.

 

The next day Elise did well. She was very sleepy and nonresponsive, but that was understandable. The important thing was that she was no longer having seizures. Now the waiting game was just to see when she could manage drinking on her own, in particular to take her medications.

 

Eric came to Children's at about noon and I was able to step out of the room for a few minutes to get us some lunch. We coaxed Elise all afternoon until finally she was ready to really wake up. At last she was drinking enough and alert enough that the doctors felt comfortable to release her. We got home around 6:00 that night, just in time to make some dinner for the kids. 

 

On our way home!

As I have reflected back on this experience, I have been amazed to notice all the tender mercies that we received during Elise's illness.

 

Although it was scary to watch my child go through so much trauma over something as small as a stomach virus, I have felt so incredibly blessed. She is healthy and doing well. She was a bit wobbly today still, but by this evening she was laughing and babbling just like she always does. We have our little Elisey back, with no apparent damage.

 

The amazing thing was, however, that I felt so much peace during the entire event. I knew without a doubt that she was going to recover, that she was in excellent care with all the doctors and nurses who handled her case, and that we were going to pull through this as a family.

 

Several times the nurses and doctors mentioned how surprised they were about our calm demeanor. They said that most parents would be panicking at what they saw and what was happening with their child. We laughed it off, saying that it wasn't our first time dealing with these issues. But the more I have thought about it, the more I realize what a beautiful gift we were given of peace and comfort. It was a blessing straight from our Father in Heaven and I am so thankful for it.

 

I was also never concerned about the other kids at home. Heidi did a wonderful job holding down the fort, feeding the kids, and managing all that needed done in our absence. What a blessing she is to our family as well.

 

While we watched over our sleepy girl in the hospital, on Friday we had a visit from a woman in one of the wards located around Children's Hospital. She came asking if we needed assistance with anything, if we needed Priesthood blessings, and if we wanted our names submitted on the temple rolls for strengthening prayers and blessings. I was so touched by her visit, a complete stranger, who came bringing the love of the Savior into our room. She seemed to look right into me and see exactly what I needed to hear at that time. Among other things, she said that I needed a chocolate milk shake and gave Eric the charge to find me one. I felt incredibly blessed to be so looked after.

 

And then there were all the prayers from friends and family. It only took a few little posts on Facebook for me to have an entire support group rallying around our family. I can't even express how very much I felt those prayers. The power of prayer and faith is real. It is so real that I feel that I could tangibly reach out and touch it. I am still basking in the warm afterglow left over from it's encompassing glory. God's love for us is real. His love for my family is real. And His love for my little girl is as wide as the universe.

 

I am so grateful for tender mercies, and their affirming and absolute confirmation of my Heavenly Father's tender love for each of us. 

Seeing the Rainbow

This is a picture my dad took when he was here visiting for our spring break.

One of my patients at work had a rough time last year with difficult illnesses and hospital stays.  For a while her family did not think that she was going to pull through it.  I was devastated when I heard the news.  I feel a special connection with her because she reminds me so much of Elise.

When I see her mom bring her in to the office it makes me think about how that will be me and Elise in fifteen years.  She calls her "her buddy," and they go everywhere together.  She gives everyone she sees hugs, while laughing and smiling.  It broke my heart to think of never seeing her again.

My special little friend came into the office again today to get her teeth cleaned.  After multiple hospital stays and surgeries, she is finally back to her happy bubbly self.  I was on the verge of tears the entire visit.  I had never been so happy to give that girl hug after hug after hug.

Sometimes I think about the future as Elise's mother and caregiver.  Sometimes it is scary.  My patient's mother has been through so many trials with her daughter, keeping her healthy and getting the therapy and care which her condition demands.  And yet, through all the struggles, she has only ever been grateful to have the privilege of raising such a sweet spirit.

It reminded me of something President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said in his talk during our recent General Conference.  "How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain."

Some may see having a child with a disability as a trial.  I used to think so as well.  But then I was plunged head first into that world myself.  I am constantly bombarded with the day to day struggle of feeding, dressing and caring for a child with special needs, one who is completely reliant on me for her most basic care.  I live in continual fear of the next episode of seizures, with the overhanging possibility that the next time we won't be so lucky, and she could have serious after effects.

But I have also been enveloped in the warm embrace of Elise's monster hugs and caught her blown kisses from the air.  I have been surrounded by the music of her infectious laugh and marveled at every miraculous milestone.

I have never been so grateful for a trial in my life.

Elise has always helped me see the rainbow, even before it is ready to be revealed, all because I am not afraid to get a little wet.

Birthday Girl

 

My girl is no longer a little girl. She is a beautiful young woman.  The same age that I was when I moved on to the excitement of college and a new world of possibilities. The same age that I was when I met the man of my dreams and got engaged. 

 

Now I'm really scared! :) 

 

My beautiful, smart, courageous, amazingly warm and generous young lady.  You mean the world to me. And this crazy world is so much the better for having you in it.

 

Happy Birthday, Heidi!

Loads of Fun

When you are blessed to live in a household of six active, very dirty people as I am, at some point you find yourself to inevitably be surrounded by laundry.  I can't seem to escape it.  I am drowning in dirty towels, jeans, scrubs, sheets, blankets, socks, and panties.  And even when I finally manage to get caught up with the dirty stuff, I end up with a very large pile of clean stuff.  My family room couch is continually bearing the burden of loads of clean laundry, anxiously waiting to be folded and nestled away somewhere in a drawer.

 Yet it never seems to happen.  There they stay on the couch until they are plucked up and used again, ever subject to the dirty/clean cycle.

 

Don't even get me started on the socks.  They are the bane to my existence.

 

 

 I love how laundry detergent commercials depict doing laundry like it is a happy family event.  Oh how sweet, the little girl is happily helping her mother out in their pristinely white laundry room.

 

 

This is a little more accurate depiction.

 

 

And of course I never have a smile on my face after smelling my laundry, as it is generally done in order to determine if something has been cleaned or not.  It is never clean.  It always stinks.  Bad.

 



I must say that I am grateful that my laundry day does not look like this.  I am ever so grateful for modern appliances.

 



I cannot promise that my face doesn't ever look like this, however, especially after trying to unroll Ethan's crusted stinky socks.  Seriously?  You want me to touch that?!

Just Around the Corner

A cute random kid I found on the internet... :)

We are in the middle of looking for housing for Heidi to attend BYU-Idaho in the fall. We are lucky, because Heidi's cousin Kaylee will be on the same tracks as her (fall and spring terms), and they are excited to be roommates together. Also, Kaylee and her family live near BYU-I so they have been able to scout out the housing situation for us.

The only problem is, I feel like I have entered the Twilight Zone.

When did this child of mine grow to be old enough to leave the nest? I didn't give her permission to grow up so soon, she did it all on her own. I don't remember agreeing to this part of the bargain. It seems like she should still be a cute little thing, barely big enough to lug around her suitcase with a sticker proclaiming "Off to Gramma's House!" on it.

The problem is, I know that I did agree to this part of the plan. From the moment this tiny little bundle was handed into my arms nearly eighteen years ago, I knew that someday I was going to have to let go.

It doesn't make it any easier, of course.

These eighteen years have made it all that much harder to let go. Every day I have had the privilege of watching her go from a teetering toddler, full of smiles and laughs, to a beautiful young woman, full of promise and courage. I have seen her struggles and triumphs, her heartaches and growth. Watching it all, I have had the opportunity to love her more every day.

Yes, she may still be just a cute little thing, barely big enough to lug around her suitcase (she is mine, after all), but now it will be emblazoned with a sticker shouting "Off to COLLEGE!" The collection of beloved dolls and stuffed animals are now replaced with a collection of fashionable scarves and bright bottles of nail polish.

It is just around the corner, and she will be off to start her own adventures, but she will always be my sweet little girl.

This one's my girl!

Wisdom Teeth

On Thursday morning, I took Heidi to the oral surgeon's office to have her wisdom teeth extracted. When we set up the appointment, we had joked about how it was the day before Valentine's Day, which meant she would not be having any special dates on that romantic holiday.  We even envisioned her, with cheeks swollen, and bloody gauze hanging out of her mouth, saying, "Do you wanna be my Valentine?"  Yes, we have a sick sense of humor.

Heidi made it through the procedure just fine.  They put her to sleep for it, so she doesn't remember anything from it.  Ethan was disappointed that she wasn't acting silly or saying anything embarrassing.  She was just sleepy.

Yesterday she did get a cute Valentine in the mail from a special friend, however.  I am sure it made her day.

She has been eating homemade chicken soup, ice cream, and popsicles since Thursday, and getting tired of it.  I noticed today that her jaw is a little more swollen.

Eric likes to remind me of when I had my wisdom teeth extracted.  It was one month before we were married. Since we were living on opposite sides of the state during our engagement, he wasn't there when I had the surgery done.  When he came to visit that weekend, however, he said that he couldn't believe how huge my cheeks were, and that there was a significant amount of bruising on my jaw.

We went to see the new Disney movie "The Lion King" in the theater with my family, since I didn't feel up to doing much else.  I remember that it hurt to laugh.  I think that was the hardest part, because I love to laugh.

Here's to hoping for a speedy recovery for my girl that shares my same crazy sense of humor, bloody gums and all.

What Does the Kid Say?

I think that I have watched this video about fifteen times today...and I still can't stop laughing about it! :)

The Start of School and a KFC Meltdown

The kids head back to school tomorrow.

This should be the only preface I need for any mother of children ages five years and up, to understand.

I have been just a little bit stressed over the start of this new school year. Not only will my baby be starting up in Kindergarten, but my oldest child will be wrapping up her final year of high school as a Senior. There is a huge range of emotions on both ends of the spectrum.

Four different kids in four different schools, with four different buses and four different schedules. Sounds like the beginning of a Dr. Seuss book, or maybe I should say a nightmare written by Stephen King.

Yes, I am feeling a little on edge tonight. No matter how hard I try to be organized and stay on top of things, I can't seem to keep it together.

Last week Ethan was supposed to go to his Sale & Info Days at the middle school, where they pay all their fees and get their schedules and lockers. I marked my calendar, made special arrangements to leave work early in order to get him to it on time, only to discover that it had been the day before! Sorry, Ethan, that you have a lame mother.

I don't even have all their school supplies yet. What more could they need than pencils and paper? Turns out, it's a lot more! And every year I am scrambling to find the college ruled composition books and extra large glue sticks.

Tonight, after a busy day of work, running to Erica's kindergarten orientation during my lunch hour, then picking her up from soccer practice after work, I decided that I was not going to cook dinner. Instead I went to KFC and, after stopping at the music store to pick up Ethan's trumpet book for Band, brought home a big bucket of chicken strips. My kids love them. I could care either way, I just love the biscuits. Something about biscuits always reminds me of growing up and good, home-cooked comfort.

The kids were excited, pulling out all the food, while I was pouring over a text which I had received from Eric. Did I mention that he is missing out on sharing the entire nightmare experience with me this week by working in Las Vegas?! But that's another post...

I looked up at the food splayed on the table, but could not see the box of biscuits.

"Where are the biscuits?" I asked, with a surge of raw emotion threatening to erupt from me. "DID THEY FORGET THE BISCUITS?!" (Insert very scary face here.)

As a side note, you must understand that it seems like whenever I go through the drive-thru of any restaurant, they ALWAYS forget something, and I almost NEVER check the bag until I get home and it is too late.

The kids got very VERY quiet as they saw the look on my face.

Ethan opened up the bucket of chicken and there they were, four glorious blobs of fluffy dough sitting on top of the chicken. Who knows why they weren't in their normal box, but the crisis was averted.

We had a good laugh over my over-the-top reaction. I told the kids that I was just a teensy little bit stressed out. Heidi informed me that when she saw my face, she thought, "Oh no, this is going to go real bad, real fast!"

She will understand one day, when she is sending her own precious offspring into the big and scary world, and feeling like time is slipping away so much faster than it should.

I hope she has some biscuits on those days.

He Knows Me By Name

On August 6th was mine and Eric's 19th wedding anniversary.

It was a really special day for us. We happened to be in Boise visiting for a family reunion, so we thought it would be meaningful to attend a session in the same temple that we were married in 19 years previously.  My parents and brother Michael attended with us and it was an experience that I will never forget.

The Boise Temple was recently completely remodeled. Everything on the inside was gutted out and redesigned, and the outside was resurfaced with a beautiful white granite. This was our first time through the temple since all the changes were made. 

As I entered this beautiful building, both completely new yet forever the same, I was overcome with memories from my first experience in that sacred House of the Lord. Not only was I sealed to Eric on that special day 19 years previously, but I also made other sacred covenants with the Lord for the first time. To add to this remembrance of first experiences, we were also able to see for the first time a beautiful new production made for part of the temple ceremony. It was like I was reliving that new day again so many years ago, and I was once again full of awe and wonder at how blessed I am to live in this world at this time.

 

There were several other beautiful moments which occurred that morning, so sacred and special that I find them difficult to talk about. As I was sitting in the Celestial Room, the holiest of places in the temple, surrounded by my family and with Eric by my side, I contemplated what I had just experienced and why it meant so much to me.

I was suddenly overwhelmed by such a rush of warmth and love so powerful it left me breathless. In that moment I felt so incredibly and personally loved by my Father in Heaven. He knew my needs, my fears, my strengths, my weaknesses, and He LOVED ME! I knew that He knew me by name.

Why did this mean so much to me at this particular time?

There is nothing more personal or sacred that identifies you individually and apart from anyone else, than your name.

I have been struggling with a lot of personal issues for many months now. Despite my best efforts, I have been continually berating myself for my inability to overcome personal weaknesses, and it has been a struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed with the idea of who I want to be, that it seems impossible for me to be able to overcome my personal weaknesses and be that woman in my mind. How could I truly be loved as a Daughter of God if I wasn't perfect?

In my mind, I already knew that I was loved, even despite my imperfections. But at that moment, I really needed to KNOW, and in His perfect love and mercy, my Father in Heaven knew what I needed.

He knows me by name.

Tonight I had another difficult moment, when fear and desperation gripped me as I watched Elise endure another terrifying seizure. I held her, trying to calm her and comfort her as she cried, while at the same time I was screaming in my head, "WHY? WHY? WHY must we go through this? How can I endure seeing my child suffer like this?"

Then once again I was comforted with the same reassurance that not only am I loved, and my trials and fears are understood, but that Elise is so very loved as well. All at once, I flashed back to that special day in the temple and what I experienced there. Almost from the moment that the remembrance flooded my heart, Elise seemed to feel it as well. Her body started to relax and her rattling breaths began to slow and steady. I was once again overcome with a feeling of peace and love, knowing that our needs were understood and met.

Elise looked up at me and gave a small, tired smile, then rolled onto her side and snuggled into her sleeping position, her eyes quickly drifting shut.

I am so grateful for a Father in Heaven who answers prayers, especially the ones that we don't even know we are sending up to Him. I am so grateful for His guidance and the constant assurances I receive to confirm that I am a beloved Daughter of God, despite my weaknesses and faults.

He knows me by name.

Prom Dress Shopping

Last weekend Heidi and I did a little Prom dress shopping...in my closet.

 

I was happy to pull out my old prom dresses from high school and show them to Heidi, after all, I have fond memories of my mom, pulling out her old dresses from the back of her closet.  I also distinctly remember making fun of her gingham taffetta bride's maid dress from her sister's wedding...which she promptly defended as being quite in style at the time.

 

Funny thing was, I still wasn't expecting Heidi's reaction to my old dresses....she thought they were hilarious and couldn't believe I wore them!  And I, of course, promptly defended them, saying there was nothing silly about them and they were quite in style at the time.

 

Have you heard the expression:

"I keep opening my mouth and my mother comes out!"

???



Heidi's critique: "It's soooooo shiny...and what's with these sleeves?"
To which I said, "Oh, you think these sleeves are big..."



Christmas Formal 1992

 

Heidi: "Holy Sleeves!!!"

 

Sweetheart Dance 1993



Heidi: "This looks like a costume from a theatre group. Why does it have a doily on the front?"
Me: "It's called lace, and it's on the front of my wedding dress too, and it's gorgeous!"



Senior Priom 1993

  Heidi was impressed that they were all homemade: my mom made the shiny blue dress and the peach prom dress, while I made the simple teal dress for a Personal Progress project.  Personally, I thought they were all gorgeous and Heidi looked amazing in these "old-fashioned" gowns.  To be fair, Ethan thought they were pretty hilarious too, but I still don't see it.

 

Wow, I must really be getting old.

Ode to a Pressure Cooker

"Mamma, when's it going to be time to eat?"

Cries a precious little angel sweet.

"No worries, my darling dear,

In the blink of an eye, supper will appear!

Neither by magic or even take-out,

Give me 15 minutes and watch that top-valve spout!"

Whoever said I have to cook all day?

With my pressure cooker bubbling, move over Rachael Ray!

I have a new cooking obsession.....

When Eric's mom was here for Spring Break, she told me about all the wonderful meals she makes in her pressure cooker.  I could hardly believe her.  I was always under the impression that pressure cookers were for grandmas who love to can difficult items, like vegetables and meat.  They always sort of intimidated me, like it was some sort of ticking time bomb, that if not properly handled would explode or leave you with permanent debilitating scars on your face from the steam.

To prove her point, she bought me a pressure cooker and demonstrated it's amazing capabilities on four frozen chicken breasts.....frozen to done in 20 minutes!  Not just done, but juicy and falling apart goodness, the perfect kind for shredding!

I was sold.

It seems like a mini-miracle to me.  Frozen chunks of meat are put into a time-warp in which they are transformed into moist, fall-off-the-bone, melt-in-your-mouth meals!

Since then I have experimented with cooking all sorts of meats, either fresh or frozen.  Sometimes the results were not fantastic.  The Easter ham was cooked way too long....45 minutes (it was FROZEN, by the way!)  I neglected to take into consideration that we live at sea level, and therefore things cook much faster than at Eric's mom's house.  Next time do it in 30.  However, we have had some pretty amazing barbeque pulled pork sandwiches (2.5 pound frozen pork roast, cooked for 50 minutes), and delicious chicken teriyaki and rice (3 frozen chicken breasts, 15 minutes, with Costco's Mr. Yoshida's sauce).  The pork chops I found in the back of the freezer, which were probably a good three years old, cooked for 15 minutes and were....edible.

Instead of stocking up on frozen prepared and processed foods, I now have a freezer full of pork and beef roasts, chicken breasts, and bone-in chicken thighs.  I no longer have to save those frozen packages of meaty goodness for Sundays, when I have time to thaw them out and cook them for hours.  We have shredded chicken on green salad on Monday, shredded chicken enchiladas on Tuesday, beef pot roast and potatoes on Wednesday, chicken salad sandwiches on Thursday......the list goes on!

It is a busy mother's dream!

Happy Mother's Day!

I was pretty spoiled this year for Mother's Day....

Heidi made these blocks for me in YW....it happened to be the activity I was preparing for all day on my birthday. I sanded and painted 84 blocks of wood that day! They turned out really great, though!

Ethan proudly informed me it took him three days at school to make this masterpiece....one day per letter.

Sweet creation from Elise....It is glazed and fired to last forever!

Erica had to join in on the artwork. She worked on this card for quite a while last night and couldn't wait to give it to me this morning!

Four beautiful creations made by four beautiful children....

I am the luckiest mother in the world!!



Erica, the Dog-Napper

Yes, here she is looking so cute, but don't let that dimpled grin fool you! 

Last weekend we had an incident. One of those mortifying "I can't believe that is my kid!" incidents.

The back-story will be necessary first....

Our next door neighbors recently got an adorable little puppy. I don't know what breed she is, but she is a tiny black furball of energy! Her name is Ebony. Erica is in love with Ebony! Luckily, Ebony is also in love with Erica! Every time the neighbors bring the dog outside she immediately runs to our door, barking for Erica to play with her. Erica has told Eric (I don't think there are enough E's in this paragraph!) that she no longer wants a puppy, she wants THAT PUPPY!

The plot thickens....

Last Saturday, Erica was playing in the back yard while I was doing the dishes.  Suddenly, I heard the front door slam and the scurrying sound of little puppy feet on hardwood floor. Erica came marching in saying, "Ebony is here to play with me!" I thought the dog must have slipped in through the front door on accident, so I picked her up and took her outside, thinking the neighbors would be there.

The neighbors were not outside.

I took the puppy, with Erica in tow, to the neighbor's house. Just as I was heading up the walk, my neighbor, Denise, came running out her front door. I asked her if she lost her dog, to which she had a surprising response.

Denise had been sleeping on the couch. All of a sudden she was awoken to Ebony barking excitedly, then Erica walking straight in the room toward the dog. She picked her up and walked right back out the door! Denise was still half-asleep, so it took her a few minutes to realize what had happened.

I guess it was too much for Erica to wait for Ebony to come out and play with her, so she had to retrieve her herself! Luckily for us, our neighbors are good-natured and forgiving people!

I was so humiliated! I apologized profusely to Denise, then had to explain OVER AND OVER AGAIN to Erica that 1) we do not go in people's houses and 2) we do not take people's puppies!!!

Breaking and entering.....property theft.....


I am the mortified mother of a two-felony-counts criminal toddler!

Sometimes I worry....

Two weeks ago, Elise was afflicted with a fever that lasted an entire week. She had no other symptoms of illness, so I couldn't figure out what kind of a bug she had or how to treat it. We were in and out of the doctor's office three times that week. The doctor suspected it was a urinary tract infection, yet couldn't verify it to give the proper medication. The bag specimen we got was too contaminated to be accurate, and the nurses were unable to get a catheter in. We ended up going down to Children's Hospital one evening to get a catheter (the proper size this time, thank you very much!). Four hours and one thousand dollars later, the urinary tract infection was confirmed and we were sent home with the proper medication.


We were counting our lucky stars that the entire time Elise was sick she didn't have any seizures. Usually a fever would trigger them for her, so we felt very blessed.


Now it has been almost a week after the antibiotic was completed, and all appearance of illness is gone. Then she had a seizure tonight. I found her on the kitchen floor wrapped around one of the chairs, her lips turning blue, eyes staring off as she is shaking. It is a sight, as a mother, you can never get used to. It's easy to tell yourself, "This is normal, she will be fine, just start timing it...." But the true fear and agony you go through as you try to calmly go through the motions....I can't even begin to say.


I'm not trying to make any of you worry about how she is doing....she is fine. Tired, but fine. I just really wanted to express some of the fears that I never feel like I can say out loud. I am her mother, I am always supposed to be positive and hopeful, full of faith, with never any doubts.


Yet, sometimes I worry....

What if she starts having more seizures?
What if the medications no longer work?
What if she starts to regress?
What if something happened to me or Eric, who could take care of her?
Am I really strong enough to do this?
Will I still be changing her diapers when she is sixteen?
Will I ever have enough patience?
Will I always get to hear her sweet laugh?


There. I said it. The unspeakable.


And yet, strangely I feel better. Because I really am full of hope and faith. Because I know that I am not in this by myself. Because I can feel peace when I pray. Because I know that my Heavenly Father loves me, and loves my sweet little girl as much as I do.

The Jobs Your Mother Never Told You About

I had all these plans of things I wanted to accomplish while my kids were gone, visiting family in Idaho. Mostly the plans consisted of cleaning out their rooms, and painting Ethan and Elise's room. The cleaning out business is always best done when children are absent. There are inevitably invaluable treasures which they feel must be rescued from the "donate" pile, or what's even worse, the "get this crap in the garbage" pile.



The last two days were spent working on Ethan and Elise's room. Two huge boxes, four garbage bags, and a trip to Good Will later, the task is finally complete. Next task: painting. Unfortunately I have run out of steam. Yes, here I am dinking around on the computer rather than tackle that almost insurmountable task. I have discovered that trying to complete any chore of a lengthy duration is next to impossible with my two "babies" mulling around downstairs unattended. It's like having twins. They are into anything and everything, battling each other to the death over who has the best access to the baby gate at the front door, and needing constant attendance to their poopy pants and bottomless pits of tummies.



So the room will remain unpainted. I feel bad about it. The room was previously Heidi and Elise's together, but Heidi was promoted to the tiny little room that can only hold one bed. All by herself. She is in heaven. So poor Ethan is stuck in a cotton-candy pink room, with adorable white accents and stuffed animals coming out the ears.



Well, soon enough he can be swimming in his neutral, gender-friendly green room. Maybe next week, or next year....



So now while I sit typing, I am waiting for my date with the pizza delivery-man. I should be cooking, or cleaning, or doing laundry, or some such busy nuisance that we mothers are eternally plagued with. Surely that can wait until next week, or next year....?

Quiet....

My house is very quiet.



Heidi and Ethan left yesterday to go on a trip to Idaho to spend two weeks with their grandparents and cousins. They were so excited. I was so excited for them.



But now my house is very quiet.



It's funny how taking away two of the four children in this household can make such a difference. And it's not only in the noise level. It just feels.....different.



I am starting to get an inkling of an idea what it is like when the kids grow up and move on. My dad told me it's fun to watch them grow and you are excited for them and the new adventures they will start, but it is also hard.



A part of you is missing, a part so integral you didn't even know it was there.



I miss them.

A Mother's Prayer

I have two sick babies at home.

It breaks my heart to see their sad little eyes and imploring expression at me. They seem to be saying, "Can't you make me better?"

No sweetie, I can't.

Erica and Elise are fighting a flu bug, one of the many lurking around this winter. Erica's nose is dripping like an endless fountain. I have no idea where all of the fluids are coming from. You'd think that eventually it would run out! Elise has been running a fever off and on. Unfortunately for her, fevers tend to induce seizure activity. She hasn't had any severe ones, but she keeps getting little jolts that scare her.

I realize that we have to go through bad times to appreciate the good, poverty to appreciate prosperity, sickness to appreciate health. But why does it have to apply to kids too? Can't we, as parents, just say, "Give me the burden! Let me carry the weight! Let me feel the pain!"

I gave the lesson today in Beehives and it was about the Savior and how he made it possible for us to repent and return to live with our Father in Heaven through the Atonement. It is hard to think about what he suffered for us, but I think that our Father in Heaven probably suffered just as much watching His beloved Son go through it as well. I am sure He wished that He could just take it away, all the pain and grief. "Give me the burden! Let me carry the weight! Let me feel the pain!"

But He knew He couldn't. He knew it was the only way He could get us back again, safe in His arms, because we are His beloved children as well.

So, I am grateful....for a Heavenly Father who loves us enough to send us trials that will only make us stronger. And who loves us enough to always be there when we feel the weakest.

So no, sweetie, I can't make it better. But I will be here for you to help you through.

Me and My Girls

I am so lucky to have two sweet little babies! They are my girls. Of course you would say that I have three girls, but I definitely consider Heidi to be a young lady now! She is so grown up, I can't believe it sometimes.