Sometimes I worry....

Two weeks ago, Elise was afflicted with a fever that lasted an entire week. She had no other symptoms of illness, so I couldn't figure out what kind of a bug she had or how to treat it. We were in and out of the doctor's office three times that week. The doctor suspected it was a urinary tract infection, yet couldn't verify it to give the proper medication. The bag specimen we got was too contaminated to be accurate, and the nurses were unable to get a catheter in. We ended up going down to Children's Hospital one evening to get a catheter (the proper size this time, thank you very much!). Four hours and one thousand dollars later, the urinary tract infection was confirmed and we were sent home with the proper medication.


We were counting our lucky stars that the entire time Elise was sick she didn't have any seizures. Usually a fever would trigger them for her, so we felt very blessed.


Now it has been almost a week after the antibiotic was completed, and all appearance of illness is gone. Then she had a seizure tonight. I found her on the kitchen floor wrapped around one of the chairs, her lips turning blue, eyes staring off as she is shaking. It is a sight, as a mother, you can never get used to. It's easy to tell yourself, "This is normal, she will be fine, just start timing it...." But the true fear and agony you go through as you try to calmly go through the motions....I can't even begin to say.


I'm not trying to make any of you worry about how she is doing....she is fine. Tired, but fine. I just really wanted to express some of the fears that I never feel like I can say out loud. I am her mother, I am always supposed to be positive and hopeful, full of faith, with never any doubts.


Yet, sometimes I worry....

What if she starts having more seizures?
What if the medications no longer work?
What if she starts to regress?
What if something happened to me or Eric, who could take care of her?
Am I really strong enough to do this?
Will I still be changing her diapers when she is sixteen?
Will I ever have enough patience?
Will I always get to hear her sweet laugh?


There. I said it. The unspeakable.


And yet, strangely I feel better. Because I really am full of hope and faith. Because I know that I am not in this by myself. Because I can feel peace when I pray. Because I know that my Heavenly Father loves me, and loves my sweet little girl as much as I do.