OCD

I have a thing with numbers.

I like even numbers. I don't like odd numbers unless they are divisible by five. However, being a prime number does not give an odd number enough bonus points for me to like it.

I hoped and prayed that my kids would be born on days with numbers that I liked. Who wants to constantly have to remember a distasteful number?! Eric was born on the 23rd in 1971 of all years, which was almost a deal-breaker. Of course, I had already fallen in love with him before I knew about his unfortunate numberage, so I chose to overlook the fact.

My kids cooperated pretty well. All except for Ethan, that is. His birthday is September 7th. Considering he was ten days late, however, I was eager to welcome him whenever he would come! Luckily, he also had a fantastic year to be born in....2000! Who wouldn't like that?!

Having a pattern that involves the numbers is major bonus points! My girls almost made a pattern with their birthdays, and I still cringe to think how close they came!! Heidi was born on March 15th, Elise on April 15th, and Erica on.....May 14th.

My phone number growing up made a fantastic pattern. It was 336-5325. Notice the 3+3=6, 5-3=2, and 3+2=5! I loved that phone number!!! My parents still have it, by the way.

**********

Numbers are not my only thing.

I also have a thing with colors.

I like a lot of different colors, but a good color combination is vital!

At work we mark our instruments with colored bands to indicate which room they belong in, or which set-up they go with. The whole system is a great idea. It keeps us organized and gets our instruments back to our rooms in a timely manner. I have run into a few problems with this system, however.

In January I started a new job, and was able to start some new instrument set-ups for my room. The unfortunate part of this was that I was assigned a color I absolutely detest for my instruments. It's this terrible bright green. Not cheary apple-green, or mellow sage-green, it's a nasty dirty green that doesn't look good with anything. Yuck.

But then there was the coup de gras. Our hygiene trays each have a three-color combination to quickly differentiate between each set-up. And some of them were so hideous!!! I mean, who wants to see the bumble-bee colors (along with this ancient brown-colored tape to add further insult) over and over and over....?! I couldn't handle it!! Every time I got that tray I would grumble and gripe to myself, until I finally started just putting it back. I refused to use it anymore. Let the other hygienist who chose to band this unfortunate set so grotesquely, use it instead!!

Now some of these bands have been in place a loooong time. When instruments are autoclaved over and over again, the bands start to discolor and eventually get brittle and break. This happened on a few trays, so I started to reband them. And then I noticed how great the new ones looked, so I couldn't help but banding the rest of the group so they all matched. Then I started surrepticiously banding them in my own color combinations!! Then I had to reband all the instrument sets so that they all matched and looked good!

This took me several days, here and there, rebanding another set-up. I didn't think anyone was really noticing, or cared for that matter, until I started noticing my coworkers laughing at me. "Uh oh....she's banding again!!"


And then one of them asked, "I wonder if OCD is contagious?"

Update

It's been a little while since I last posted. It's been hard to know what to write about. Some of my emotions and feelings seem a bit too personal for such an open forum, so I have avoided writing anything.

I wrote a letter to my unborn baby. I have heard that it can be therapeutic to write a letter to someone you are grieving over, so I thought I would give it a try.

It's a good idea. I recommend it to anyone. It felt so good to voice some feelings and questions, without fearing the response from someone who doesn't understand. I cried as I wrote it, and wondered if it would do more harm than good. But then as I read through it afterward, I felt like a burden had been lifted, even if only a little bit. Every time I read it now I feel more and more at peace.

So, things are definitely improving. Thank you for everyone's interest and concern. I have, at times, been so overwhelmed when friends and family have talked with me about how they experienced something similar. So many women, but hardly anyone ever talks about it. I hope you know you can talk to me about it. There is a special bonding in knowing that someone else understands your pain and crazy confusion of emotions!

Tomorrow I am going on a fun little adventure with my friend Janelle. We are going down to Seattle to attend a dental conference together, and like last year, are staying the night downtown. It should be fun and I am really looking forward to the trip! Hopefully I will have some crazy-fun, child-free adventures to write about in my next post!

Difficult Post

This is a difficult post to write, but I feel like I need to do it, not just to inform everyone, but also for my sake as well.


My pregnancy was cut short over the weekend when I first started spotting, then bleeding heavily. I had several blood tests done which confirmed what I was dreading.


I have never lost a pregnancy before now. It was a very raw, emotional experience. I feel like I am still reeling from it, and am afraid it won't be over any time soon. At times I almost feel normal, then all of a sudden I am overcome with emotion, until I feel like I am drowning in my grief.


I am so incredibly grateful for all the support from my family and friends! I don't know what I would have done without all of you, so thank you! Thank you for the cards, the food, the flowers, and especially the listening ear and shoulder to cry on!


We have a lot of ice cream in our freezer now.

Tears

"Tears are God’s gift to us. Our holy water. They heal us as they flow."

~Rita Schiano

Of course, ice cream seems to help too.

It's Always Fun When Grandpa Comes!

Happy Birthday, Dad!
We love you!!

(Hint: If you would like to watch this video without the side being cropped off, simply right-click on the video and select "watch on youtube.")

An Announcement

White #5

Due January 16, 2011

Sometimes I worry....

Two weeks ago, Elise was afflicted with a fever that lasted an entire week. She had no other symptoms of illness, so I couldn't figure out what kind of a bug she had or how to treat it. We were in and out of the doctor's office three times that week. The doctor suspected it was a urinary tract infection, yet couldn't verify it to give the proper medication. The bag specimen we got was too contaminated to be accurate, and the nurses were unable to get a catheter in. We ended up going down to Children's Hospital one evening to get a catheter (the proper size this time, thank you very much!). Four hours and one thousand dollars later, the urinary tract infection was confirmed and we were sent home with the proper medication.


We were counting our lucky stars that the entire time Elise was sick she didn't have any seizures. Usually a fever would trigger them for her, so we felt very blessed.


Now it has been almost a week after the antibiotic was completed, and all appearance of illness is gone. Then she had a seizure tonight. I found her on the kitchen floor wrapped around one of the chairs, her lips turning blue, eyes staring off as she is shaking. It is a sight, as a mother, you can never get used to. It's easy to tell yourself, "This is normal, she will be fine, just start timing it...." But the true fear and agony you go through as you try to calmly go through the motions....I can't even begin to say.


I'm not trying to make any of you worry about how she is doing....she is fine. Tired, but fine. I just really wanted to express some of the fears that I never feel like I can say out loud. I am her mother, I am always supposed to be positive and hopeful, full of faith, with never any doubts.


Yet, sometimes I worry....

What if she starts having more seizures?
What if the medications no longer work?
What if she starts to regress?
What if something happened to me or Eric, who could take care of her?
Am I really strong enough to do this?
Will I still be changing her diapers when she is sixteen?
Will I ever have enough patience?
Will I always get to hear her sweet laugh?


There. I said it. The unspeakable.


And yet, strangely I feel better. Because I really am full of hope and faith. Because I know that I am not in this by myself. Because I can feel peace when I pray. Because I know that my Heavenly Father loves me, and loves my sweet little girl as much as I do.

A Yummy Failure

A few weeks ago I made some strawberry freezer jam. However, I misjudged the amount of Pectin to add in so it turned out quite runny.


I have been stubbornly eating it ever since. It is so yummy! Who cares that it soaks through your bread? It is soaked in sweetness! I also figured out a few tricks to combat this issue. First solution is to toast your bread almost to the limit of toastiness. We're talking CRISPY. Now if it's a good old-fashioned PB&J you're after, just spread a thin layer of peanut butter on both slices, before drizzling the "jam" over it. Voi la! Perfect insulation!


Tonight Eric discovered the best possible use of this gooey goodness....drizzled over vanilla ice cream.


I am currently licking my bowl clean....


You just can't go wrong with strawberries and sugar!